Dress With An Anaconda Attitude

Yesterday I went into a store changing room to try on a dress. I have a few dressy events coming up, and I thought it was time to update my formal wardrobe a bit. Things were going smoothly until the dress' zipper was halfway up my back. And then it stuck. It was enormously stuck, much like Pooh in Rabbit’s front door after he had gorged on too much honey. Thankful for my yoga classes which keeps my muscles stretchy and my limbs limber, I reached my arm way back and grabbed that zipper. I gave it a good yank in both directions, about several hundred times. But it would neither go north or south. So I tried a different approach. I attempted to wriggle the dress downward, squeezing in my stomach muscles, but had no luck. Dang! I should never have consumed that extra cinnamon roll for breakfast. I was being punished for my gluttony!

A slight tremor of panic began to creep up my nervous system. I wasn’t into full earthquake panic yet, but I felt a little quiver that would escalate into full-blown panic if I didn’t exit this dress soon. I am claustrophobic, and I began to imagine this dress like a hearty cluster of super-power kudzu that would soon creep all over my body and choke the life out of me. Like an anaconda. “Women Murdered By Plum-Colored Taffeta!” I imagined the headlines.

I took a deep breath, trying not to panic. There had to be a solution that did not involve my death or extreme humiliation! There was no one else in the changing room to assist me in my predicament. I brainstormed some options:
- I could toddle to the checkout like a foot-bound Japanese lady of the last century, point to the price tag and say, “I’ll take this.”
-I could text my 16yo, who was waiting for me in a nearby electronics store: “Emergency! Stuck in dress!! Bring pocket knife and rescue Mom in changing room!” but I knew he’d pretend his phone had been on silent.

I needed to get out! Out of this dress before I had both an asthma attack and a psychotic episode! I was beginning to panic. Think, think, think. What to do? what to do?

Suddenly, a possible solution dawned on me like it was sent down from Heaven. I had one thing in my purse that I carry with me wherever I go. It’s been my lifesaver and hydration-bringer. It has empowered me to face the world on many a day. It is my lip gloss, and it would not fail me now! I took the tube from my purse, reached my arm back, and slicked down the zipper. It moved effortlessly, and I pulled off the dress.

I held my head up as I left the changing room, handed the dress a salesclerk and said, “This dress doesn’t work for me.” Then I perused the store for a little longer and (I am not making this up) bought a cute pencil skirt.