Controlling My Substance

I am catching a cold, and I’m not surprised. I have three children in various stages of sneezing and sniffling, either from allergies or viruses. This morning I had all the symptoms that warn me of an impending bug attack. So, in an attempt to thwart these unwanted terrorists invading my body, I headed to the local pharmacy. There I stocked up on zicam, throat lozenges and Puffs. One can never be too prepared for winter colds, I believe. Or for sinus infections. I suffer from them every once in a while. I had one that lingered for an entire winter one year, turning me into a snorey mouth breather whose husband was forced to sleep in the guest room. He was cranky and my head felt like a concrete block and it was all so dreadfully awful.

Ever since then, whenever I get a cold, I drink extra fluids and begin a decongestant right away. But apparently I haven’t bought a decongestant for quite a while, because I had no idea the shenanigans required! I had to hand-carry a “Sudafed” card up to the pharmacy, where I long-sufferingly waited in line behind a confused senior citizen who needed to have all of her 14 drug purchases explained in great detail. Then, after finally requesting my Sudafed purchase to the Pharmacy Tech, I needed to give her my driver’s license, which she scrutinized meticulously, casting occasional furtive glances my way. She spent many minutes typing my information madly into a computer, all the while whispering into a walkie-talkie, and trying to discern if I was going to sell the Sudafed on the Black Market. Like maybe to Little Squirt’s kindergarten class. Because I look the type. And I need a job.

Once again the Bad People have ruined things for the Good People. While Good People have been using decongestants for years to innocently declogg their sinuses, Bad People have apparently found alternative functions. Like taking them to improve their athletic performance. (Okay- Do I look like an athlete??) Or making crystal meth. (Like I’d have time to figure out that recipe. I can barely get dinner on the table!) So while the Pharmacy Tech explained in great detail how I could not purchase any more pseudoephedrine ("ANYMORE," she said vehemently) for so many days and blah blah blah lest I be tasered and strip searched and flogged and put on the Drug Dealer International Watch List forever, I could feel my sinuses fill up and harden like an ice block. Wonderful. So out will come the vaporizer, and off will go Super Hubs to sleep on the couch.