I’ve spent a lot of time on the beach this week. Little Squirt is taking swimming lessons at the lake in our town, and after the classes he wants to free-play in the water for a while. I’ve sat in the sun sheathed in #30 sunblock, a book on my lap. The book is really only a prop. I’m too distracted by the adorable little toddlers playing in the sand. When Little Squirt is done with his lesson, he splashes out to the dock, where he spends the next 2 hours climbing on and jumping off. So then I keep my eyes fixated on him and all his play gear. So far this summer, he’s lost 4 pairs of goggles, two plastic shovels and a dophin mask. I am not exaggerating.
Sitting on the beach, I’ve had lots and lots of time to think. Time to contemplate. Review my life. Feel a little content. Feel a little frustrated. Consider the future. Get anxious. Butterfly’s entrance to college is in 3 weeks, and my boys will be in school full time. I’ll be home alone all day for the first time.....ever! What will I do? Continue to pour myself into the church volunteer work that I’ve done for many years? Get a fun and mindless part-time job that allows me to be home when the boys are home? Rekindle my nursing career and dive into learning something new and exciting? So many things to muse. None of which excite me, candidly. What is that about?
And this is a week of several disappointments. I’m feeling raw and tender and misunderstood. Not valued. Overlooked. I’ve had a Victim Mentality. Ironically, I really deplore it when others have a Victim Mentality. People wih a Victim Mentality are stuck and life draining. But darnit, you can't help how you feel! And today I was feeling Victimized. A Victim of some slander. A Victim of some unfortunate timing. A Victim of some miscommunication. Poor me. I am a Victim. Let me wallow in my grievances.
So I sat on the beach today, feeling the weight of an ambiguous future, and mentally recapping all the injustices done to me this week. I was enjoying my misery, relishing it, soaking it in like the sunshine. The Misery was getting comfortable, like a favorite pair of jeans. But interestingly enough, it's hard to stay stuck in the muck for long when you’re sitting on a beach.
I reframed my mindset. What is right in my world this week?
-An unexpected and affirming message from a FB friend, just when I needed affirmation, telling me he viewed me as someone who consistently modeled joy and happiness. (Oh, if only he knew.....)
-The American journalists released from prison in N. Korea. I had been praying for their release intensely.
-A beautiful conversation with my teenage son this morning, in which I was impressed with his spiritual growth and maturity.
-The invitation of a close friend, a soul-filling friend, inviting me to dinner tonight, just as I was considering dining on Self-Pity.
Little Squirt and I got in the car to go home and I turned on the radio. I listened to him loudly bellow the lyrics to “I Need To Know” along with Mark Anthony. “I need to know...I need to know...tell me baby girl cuz I need to know...ohwoahwoahwoah....”
Then he asked, “Mom, what does he need to know??”
He makes me laugh all the time. Little Squirt is definitely what is right in my world.
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