Battle of the Bugs

The Japanese beetles should return to Japan. Honestly. They have long worn out their welcome. They are unruly narcissists with a sense of entitlement and no tree empathy whatsoever.

I am usually quite the pacifistic soul, even when it comes to insects. (With the exception of spiders. They all must die.) I do not swat flies, or squish ants, or catch lightening bugs in jars and squash them when they glow. I allow bees to buzz, roly-polys to tumble, and feel a fondness in my heart for the ladybug. But even my pacifistic nature has its limits. And one doesn’t just come to my home, unannounced and uninvited and start chewing up my trees. That is so not okay!

I realized we had this problem, the other morning, as I sat on my deck drinking a cup of java. Noticing a bunch of leaves at my feet, I picked one up, and exclaimed over its beauty. An intricate, lacy pattern proliferated its mocha-color, and I praised God for His variety in creation….when the thought occurred to me that I did not have any trees on my property with leaves like this. On closer inspection, I realized they were chewed up and dead.

I called to Super Hubs, who took one look at the leaves, scanned the horizon, and then said softly, “I believe we’ve been invaded.” With that statement, he began examining the Elm with the expertise of a horticulturist. After strolling around it a few times, and tapping its bark, he scaled the first few feet. He scraped his knee on the ascent, uttered a string of profanities on the descent, and then squatted on the ground, deep in thought. After a moment, he shook his head, sighed deeply, and mumbled a single name, “The Japanese Beetle.” (I have no idea how he knows this stuff. But his father was an Eagle Scout, so maybe it’s in the genes.) Thus war was declared upon the little buggers.

Super Hubs sped off to the hardware store, and then came back with a toxic substance, a large trap, and a garden hose. He opened the trap, attached the toxic substance to the hose, and, climbing an 11-foot ladder, began spraying carcinogens all over the top of the tree. The Japanese Beetles, who were neither bothered by nor impressed with the carcinogens, gravitated over to the trap, which apparently attracted them by some sort of poisonous pheromone gas or something. This Pheromone Insect Trap is apparently like an Opium Den for Beetles, where, after enjoying a bit of mingling and flirting, they have a euphoric trip, and then keel over dead on top of our trampoline.

So this War Plan of Super Hubs worked for a few days, but then bigger and stronger brothers of the original beetles arrived. And began invading more of our trees. So now I am really ticked! And I’m done with the Kind and Painless Death Penalty of these ugly adversaries. No more clubbing, partying and tripping! No more passing painlessly into The Great Beyond! And in addition, I’ve heard through the grapevine that their more fearless and destructive cousins, the Asian Long-Horn Something-or-Others, are on their way over here. They are currently flying Business Class over the Pacific, and due to arrive any day now. So I’m getting me a shotgun, and I’m gonna blast the little scavengers to smithereens! I’ll let you know how it goes.