Rapid Age Advancement Syndrome

My kindergartener told me this morning that I am aging. He said he could tell that I am getting older because my voice is getting “deeper.” What?? When I protested that I was not really that old, he said with conviction, “Yeah you are, Mom!” And he patted my shoulder patronizingly and added, “Sorry, but it’s true.”

I hold Wii Fit completely responsible for my Rapid Age Advancement Syndrome. At the urging of a friend, I tried Wii Fit. I’d never played Wii before. Not once. Not ever. I’m not opposed to video games, or allergic to video games. Video games are just not something I ever play. My kids play them, and my husband plays them. I don’t. I do many other things. I write and act and text my homies and make spectacular bloody mary’s. I just don’t play video games. But my friend talked me into it, and so I went to her house to try.

I stood on the Wii platform while it calculated my BMI, and then declared it was in the “normal” range. (Which is a relief. Because if your BMI is high according to Wii Fit, a little voice yells, “You’re obese!” which is apparently damaging the self-esteem of young British children, and causing an uproar among Obesity Experts in the U.K.)

After the BMI calculation, Wii Fit immediately began a “balance” game, in which I had no idea what it was that I was supposed to be doing. The goal, it seems, was to keep lines or something in the blue zone by moving my body back and forth in contortionist-type positions, much like when I played “Twister” back in the day. I didn’t quite understand the rules and performed miserably. And suddenly it was Game Over. Wii Fit began insulting me, saying that “balance” was not my “strong suit”, and asking me if I generally trip a lot. It came just short of calling me a Klutz and Waste Of Human Life. My feelings were injured. And then, after a faux drum roll, it declared my Wii Fit age as “sixty.” Sixty? SIXTY??

Since then, I’ve been walking around wondering if I look sixty. Or act sixty. Because clearly, according to the Wii Fit engineers, I am living in a body with Sixty-Year-Old Balance Ability. I’m beginning to obsess that I’m developing age spots, arthritis and ear hair. And now my six-year-old tells me I have the voice of an old lady.

My friend wants me to try the Wii Fit again. She has decreased in Wii Fit age, much like Benjamin Button. But she is physically very fit and almost 20 years younger than me. She’s a phenom, and Wii Fit likes her. On the other hand, I don’t think Wii Fit is fond of me and I’m kind of afraid of it. It’s cursed me with Rapid Age Advancement Syndrome. What if, the next time I play, it calculates my age as 70? 80? Or higher?? Will it keep increasing my age until it kills me off, like some creepy Horror Film Foe? I’m petrified to find out!