I Ain't No Martha

I once heard Martha Stewart say that when she entertains, she makes her guests take their shoes off and wear little paper booties or something. I don’t mean to judge the Entertaining Diva, but I think that is a tad nutty. When friends come to my home, I want them to feel valued and welcomed, and not like they are about to scrub for thoracic surgery.

Martha also said that she only serves white wine in lieu of red in case of spillage. Now that, I must say, is brilliant! I hosted a party once, where a guest (whom I’d never met before) dropped an entire glass of merlot on my white couch! She was clearly mortified, and was all, “I am so sorry! Can I pay for cleaning?” and so forth. And I channeled Miss Manners and was all, “Don’t even worry about it! I was actually thinking about spritzing that sofa up with random pink splotches for an "Art Deco feel" anyway, but now you’ve saved me the trouble!” while internally I was thinking, “OMG! The Klutz has ruined my couch!” But I stayed a pillar of Empathy and Politeness, and waited to bring out the arsenal of cleaning products until she’d gone home.

The couch was never the same, even after a professional cleaning. So I had it slip covered, and tolerated it for a few more years. And then I finally sent it off to the Furniture Purgatory that is my basement, where it spends its retirement being sat upon by gaggles of teenagers playing PS2 while drinking orange soda.

I recently replaced it with a brown suede sofa that I really love. But, irony being the theme of my life; in a house full of dark furry pets, the only one that has claimed the couch as her personal domain is my white feline with the long hair. The brownish furry animals ignore that sofa in favor of my lighter-colored furniture. So I surrender, say “Uncle”, and frequently get out the Dust Buster. And I still have parties where I serve red wine. Oh, well. I guess I’ll tolerate the imperfections, because having kids, pets, and parties is so darned much fun!