I Love Your Products, But........

I am, under most circumstances, a very nice and moral person. I’ve never appeared on “Girls Behaving Badly,” and I don’t kick dogs. (Unless you count the time that I booted our cockapoo in the rear when he ate up a batch of cupcakes I had just made and then puked on the couch. But it wasn’t even a hard kick.) There are occasional times, however, when I am driven to murderous fantasies in soap stores……

I intended to run in and out of Bath & Body Works, lickety-split. A friend had given me a gift card for my birthday last month, and I wanted to quickly buy a candle, and then hurry back to pick up Little Squirt from his Art Class. The Art Teacher frowns on parents that are tardy to collect their youngsters, especially a particular 5-year-old (mine) who occasionally needs to be disciplined for rambunctious behavior at said Art Class.

As I entered Bath & Body Works, I was greeted by a very blond employee who flashed a 1,000 watt smile and greeted me in a saccharine voice, “Good morning, Ma’am! And how are we today??” I considered telling her about my queasy bowel, but instead I grunted “Fine” and hurried to quickly complete my mission. “Can I help you find anything??” Ms. Employee asked in an all-too cheery voice. “No, I’m good,” I said curtly, and continued looking at candles.

Ms. Employee would not take “NO” for an answer. She was persistent in her quest to make a big sale. She followed me around the store, grilling me on the candle type I was looking for, making suggestions, and then giving me a sermonette on “wick” safety. She proceeded to show me many other products in the store, discussed the upcoming early summer sale, and the holiday sales, and the newest and latest body products, and her personal favorite gift ideas. Inwardly I was seething from her suffocating presence which was greatly distracting to my candle-sniffing. She would not leave me alone! Finally, when she intrusively “spritzed” me with Cherry Blossom without my permission (which would interfere badly with the Lauren Style I was already wearing), I glared at her, and said through clenched teeth, “Please. Give. Me. Space. To. Buy. This. Honeysuckle. Candle. I. Need. To. Go.” She reeled back with a look of dismay, then scurried off toward another unsuspecting customer. Feeling slightly guilty for being so abrupt, I paid for my candle and left.

But here's the point of my Rag Fest: Please, Store Employees, I realize it’s a slow economy and you are trying to make a sale, but JUST BACK OFF! HONOR APPROPRIATE AND CONSIDERATE BOUNDARIES!! Especially if the customer says she wants no help, gives you no eye contact and has a touch of a virus that makes her insides feel like an impending Mt. Helens eruption! Be aware that customers do not always have time to meander slowly and hear about your latest “Poison Hemlock” fragrance. Your products may be lovely, but Jeez!!

(Just needed to vent. Ahhhh. I'm feeling better already! And now I will drink peppermint tea and lie on the couch with a Sue Grafton read.)