Polyester Policing

Super Hubs has so many wonderful qualities, God love him. He has a strong work ethic and off-the-map intelligence. He is kind and endlessly patient, as you can well imagine he would have to be, living with me. He cooks a mean shrimp scampi, and can give a back massage that turns my muscles into jelly. But he cannot be fabulous at everything, correct? That would hardly be fair to the less gifted among us!

So if I could pick just one teensy-weensy area in which Super Hubs is a bit talent-less, it would be his “Fashion Sense.” He has none. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Completely deficient in that department. Absolutely devoid of any kind of Wardrobe Wearing Intelligence. Did I state that strongly enough?? Super Hubs should never, ever, under any circumstances buy his own clothes or choose his own outfit. NOT EVER, bless his heart (say with Southern accent).

The few times in our marriage that he has left the house without me dressing him have been a Glamour Disaster of Unmitigated Proportions. There was the “Tube Sock Incident,” in which he wore one with a green stripe and one with a red stripe in honor of Christmas, although it was to a BBQ in July. Then there was the “Plum T-shirt with Orange Baseball Cap in Church Occurrence.” Or the time when he wore a horizontally striped shirt with vertical pinstriped pants. He’s never understood the Match Belt and Shoes Thing. Or match socks to pants. Or match anything to anything in general. It’s all just a big puzzle in his mind.

He has no comprehension that he shouldn’t wear a navy polo with his navy shorts, lest he be mistaken for a postal worker. He doesn’t notice frayed or torn or stained. Or too tight. Or old. Or WAY OLD. Or out of style. Or embarrassing to his wife. Or mortifying to his teenagers. He.Just.Does.Not.Care. He has no relationship with clothes whatsoever. Apparel is simply functional to him; just pieces of fabric that are solely designed to cover his nakedness.

But it’s okay, because he has ME. And I love fashion! And clothes! And shopping! And spending! And so does Butterfly. We’re the Consummate Clothing Quest Collaboration! So today I picked her up from school, and, fortified with McDonald’s sweet tea, we went shopping for Super Hubs in absentee. And we were a roaring success! So the next time you see him, please tell him how “hot” he looks. For me.