Faze-Book

In a move based on sheer ignorance, I started a Facebook while on vacation. I did this after a pensive afternoon of gazing at the ocean. I had rosy-tinged visions of reconnecting with some of my relationships of old. I imagined hosting reunions down the road with my sorority sisters or playground friends. We’d sip wine on my back deck, arms entwined, laughing about our past heartbreaks, and celebrating each others’ good fortunes. They’d all complement me on my youthful complexion, and I’d pass out party favors of Preparation H tubes. Then I’d post pictures on my Facebook photo album of the sentimental and tender gathering. It’d all be so lovely.

But now, what I am realizing, is that I have no business whatsoever being on Facebook because:
1.) I am too old.
2.) I don’t know what the H*** I am doing. (Because of #1.)

As I have tried to build my “friend” base, which is embarrassingly low, I am realizing that married forty-somethings of my acquaintance aren’t running rampant all over this Social Network. I know this because I have searched for them . They’re not there. Any of them. Not hardly a one. I have dipped into the pool of “friends from college,” “friends from high school,” and “friends from childhood.” Nothing. Then I looked for “friends from my current church” and “friends from my former church,” and “friends from Girl Scout camp in the 70s.” Zip. And then, scraping the bottom of the barrel, I searched for “former co-workers from my first job at Burger King” and “my Mary Kay lady from 14 years ago.” Also, “my grandmother’s former housekeeper.” Still nothing. It’s very depressing and I feel like a loser.

But all is not lost as having a Facebook makes me appear hip with my teenagers. I know what a Flair is and buy myself many. And I can Superpoke with the best of them…….. Only not appropriately……..I accidentally sent a “bitchslap” to a person I don’t know very well. I have no idea how it happened and I was mortified and apologized profusely. And then, in an attempt to make amends, I sent myself a “hug.” Myself!! By mistake. How pathetic! Clearly I need a Facebook tutorial!!

The point of my post is this: Would you be opposed to “friending” me?? Out of pity, of course. But I’ll send you Flair. And no “bitchslaps.” I promise.